mint_phalanx | Entries tagged with queerness

Yesterday, we learned that Judge Hurson (a federal judge) blocked Trump's executive order banning gender-affirming care for people under 19 (link to news story.) I'm so happy!

Although we're 23, I wondered if it would affect our access to an endometrial ablation once we come out offline because I didn't know if Medicaid would be intimidated. I'm already worried that they won't cover it because it's not a standard surgery for transitioning. (A diagnosis of Gender Incongruence would make it medically necessary.)

The blocking of this executive order is good news, but no one seems to be reporting it on TV. I wish they would. I watch in the evening, so it's possible they covered it earlier.

Mood: happy

More Tumblr copy-pasting. It's like Brian's entry on this but from my perspective.

I don't think I'd ever realize I'm bigender without my headmates. I'd have probably just continued thinking I'm making it up.

It happened in 2022. The feeling may have been triggered by a dream Chaz had in 2021 (link to the dream.) It caused his form to go back and forth between male and female. This happened so much that he made a character to make it stop.

Then, we did research on trans men for a scrapped story idea in February. I noticed a desire to be a man, but when I imagined a full transition, it conflicted with my womanhood. So, I told myself that I was making it up, that it was the research talking.

But the feeling didn't leave.

A desire to be a man while remaining a woman. I didn't know why I was feeling this way. We felt confused. There was so much conflict.

Then, on April 19, Brian was thinking about all of this. He realized something and said, "I think we're bigender." Because I represent the body, it means that I'm bigender. The conflict stopped because the word fit.

Without Brian's realization, I would have still felt confused. Without Brian's realization, I would have continued dismissing my feelings as "making it up."

I said I was abrisexual, but I've been feeling bi lately. It made me uncomfortable using my current label. I guess I was wrong. (It's okay to be wrong.) I'm bi. But I know it's going to change on me.

There are a lot of sexually fluid people who use bisexual as their label; why would my case be any different? Why should I force myself to use a now unfit term just because my attraction might change? I will always be attracted to at least two genders.

In retrospect, it was always bi. Three of my tulpas are bi. Roxy& was bi (except for R.T.P. and Alley.) There was a pattern I ignored because of my fluidity and fear of being seen as inauthentic. (Someone I know is bisexual, so I worried it could be misinterpreted as trying to be just like her.)

Although abrisexual accommodates my fluidity, bisexual feels comfortable. It fits right now. To accommodate my fluidity, I can call myself bi plus. That's better for me. I like it.

Mood: tired and happy

This is an entry from our system journal on 27 March 2024. Chibz describes feeling masculine for the first time. (We're bigender.) She wonders if other new headmates felt that way so quickly.

Yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking about that masculine feeling. I recognized it on Monday. It didn't come from me but from everyone else. It was weird and unsettling... I just knew. Reanna [actually Mary] was uncomfortable with what I wanted to wear, and it hit me like a bullet! She feels masculine. (Brian says they still use "she." Weird.)

Brian wanted me to process my thoughts before writing. That didn't happen. I've only been here a month. How can I know these things? That's what I'm trying to say. (I feel better.)

You know how Brian talked about my coining of "demophilic?" Forget that. I found a word that describes my sexuality: abrisexual. I'm always attracted to people, but I can't pin down who because it's vague.

When I read the description on the LGBTQIA+ wiki, I thought, "oh my God, there's a word!" I found it! I found it! It's great! The page says that the label changes, but I'm fine with this one. Maybe saying who I'm attracted to is the label.

I have a label now.

Mood: happy and silly

Reanna created a term for herself: demophilic. It describes a multi-spec attraction that can't be properly labelled. ("I'm attracted to different kinds of people, but that's all I know.") In her case, she couldn't label it because she's bigender and because the attraction can be vague sometimes.

For a long time, we thought Reanna didn't care to label her sexuality out of apathy. She said that before we existed, she would brush off her vague attraction to women as "making it up." She kept calling herself straight, even though she didn't feel straight anymore. F.M. got her to at least consider other labels. (He pushed for bisexual.)

And then, Reanna hit a roadblock.

Nothing she tried fit. "I'm not feeling attraction towards men, so I must be a lesbian. Wait! But my crush on Rob [drummer for Linkin Park.] Maybe I am just straight. But I felt both! But it doesn't feel bi. What about the attraction to the trans peeps? But it doesn't feel like everyone." Not even abrosexual fit. And there was also the fear of being wrong.

So, we resorted to making our own terms. F.M. and I created apasexual... Until we learned it already exists. I created demosexual, but Reanna said the attraction didn't always feel sexual. Then, she created demophilic and felt happy.

P.S. Reanna said she would rather have me talk about her than talk about herself.

Update: Reanna realized she's abrisexual. She made a post, but I'd thought I update anyway.

Mood: tired

I think it's weird that, even when we feel like guys, having a uterus doesn't bother us. Using she/her pronouns? Not a problem. But when we have our period, we experience incongruence. We don't have Gender Dysphoria, but it's still uncomfortable.

"Couldn't you& get a hysterectomy?" No, because that would conflict with our womanhood. And we don't think it would be in our best interest.

"The Pill?" What's Reanna gonna say? "My tulpa Brian doesn't like our periods, so I want to lighten them." Our doctor doesn't know we're plural or bigender. Plus, we already take enough pills.

Whatever agrees with our manhood must not conflict with our womanhood. It's tricky because we haven't figured it out yet.

Okay, I feel better. I just really wanted to share that.

Mood: okay
Music: The Birthday Massacre

Consider this a coming out post.

This happened earlier this year. There were times when Reanna desired to be a man, but it would conflict with her womanhood. There were times when Chaz would desire to be a woman, but it would conflict with his manhood. (He would keep going back and forth with his female form until he created an OC named Liam, who is a trans man.)

One night in April, I was sitting on the couch wondering why we kept having this conflict. Then, it hit me: we're bigender! I told Reanna this, and she let me explore! This was important because she never lets us explore the body's identity because it reflects on her. Upon realizing we're bigender, the conflict stopped. It was great!

Mood: excited

Midcontinuum Spearmint

Entries tagged with queerness

Navigation

We're Winning! (Reanna)

Realizing I'm Bigender (Reanna)

Bi Plus (Reanna)

27 March 2024 (Chibz)

I'm Abrisexual! (Reanna)

Demophilic (Brian)

Incongruence (Brian)

How I Realized the Body is Bigender (Brian)