This entry is from our system journal on 13 September 2025. Reanna has an idea for a thriller. (And by "we," she means "I.") We don't intend to watch Him. Ever.

We might be riding on the tailcoats of Him, but we have a story idea about a football player who gets caught up in a player trafficking ring. For me, the purpose would be to show how dehumanizing trading can seem. We thought of the idea last night, originally as a joke that it would be the sequel to Him. Then, F.M. told me that I could write it.

We already have a few things fleshed out. The trafficking ring involves professional football teams and is run by the General Managers. Players who request to be traded aren't trafficked. [We changed this detail.] Players who don't are. They're transported in cages and are abused. Players trafficked from a rival team are tortured until they conform or die (whichever comes first.) Teammates may be encouraged to join in the abuse because the rival player is "poisoned." I'm considering reading about programming techniques used by abusive cults. (It would specifically be used for rival players.) [I decided to focus on abuse instead.] Players trafficked from non-rival teams go through dangerous hazing rituals.

The main character learns about the trafficking ring when the police question him about a former teammate who died after being traded. When he asks the interviewer why he's being questioned for a death that happened out of state, she says the other investigators suspect the player was also a victim of a trafficking ring. [We decided to specify that it's happening across state lines.]

We also decided the main character would be the first openly asexual football player. He's a kicker because it's easy (for us, anyway. Simple job description.) And he's good at it, too.

The working title is Trade. The project is going to require a lot of knowledge on the business of football. If trading isn't as dehumanizing as I assume, then the story will be for pure entertainment. Details of the trafficking ring may change with the facts.

Reanna: I no longer think I'm riding on the tailcoats of Him, unless you define the tailcoats as "perverting football." (This story isn't even in the same genre!) It also wouldn't be the first thriller involving the sport. My sister made me aware of Black Sunday and Two Minute Warning.

These are entries from our system journal on 9 and 10 July 2025. On the ninth, Terrance describes how he felt while listening to "About You (feat. blackbear)" by Mike Shinoda. It happened to come on that day. On the tenth, he describes how he felt while listening to "Hold It Together" (something he's been wanting to know for awhile.) It happened to come on that day. This entry is not directed to anyone, so it's in the second person.

9 July

You listened to "About You (feat. blackbear.)" It's by Mike Shinoda. Your heart raced. You felt discomfort. You even disconnected a bit. You had trouble thinking. "Hold It Together" must feel worse. Yet, you still want to know.

10 July

You just listened to "Hold It Together." You jumped. Your heart raced. You didn't know what was happening. Your legs shook as you got up to get a drink of water. You kept taking deep breaths. You had to write this, and you felt a little sick afterwards. Your face might still look disturbed.

Now, you know.

We thought it was necessary to share how our body reacts when listening to this song. Some incidents are better than others.

This is an entry from our system journal on 27 March 2025. Headmate E.A. looks at transphobia through a feminist lens. We usually roll our eyes when she starts sounding like Jessie Spano, but this one made sense.

Transphobia is a tool the patriarchy uses to control cis women. He knows that accepting trans women will liberate them. So, he hurts trans people and calls it "protection." It's actually sexism and violation of privacy. Unfortunately, many cis women are fooled by this "protection."

End transphobia! Liberate yourselves from the patriarchy's control!

This is an entry from our system journal on 4 November 2024. Mary learned a new term.

There's a word for what sysmeds do: toxic polarization. They portray our origins as incompatible. They portray endogenic and traumagenic experiences as never overlapping. We can't coexist if you ask them. To sysmeds, it's real systems vs. "fake" systems. Even syscourse is toxic polarization! Sysmeds and syscourse poison the community.

This is an entry from our system journal on 19 August 2024. It is Terrance's first entry. It's directed to us, which is why it's not in the second person.

Hi, my name is Terrance. I like that you guys are tying to treat me well, even though it feels weird to me. And Seth [SL], I want you to finish my story. It's an event in my life, even if some parts suck. I'll write about the tomorrow. I'm am very aware of my second person experience. Please don't get too weird about it.

Jackie: We won't.

Wait, if my thoughts are in the first person, then my second person won't translate. It's not like I'm narrating. What if I narrate to myself? I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

 This is an entry from our system journal on 1 September 2024. Brian's extended metaphor was too good to keep to ourselves.

Terrance can cry in the headspace but not when fronting. He's being denied a catharsis. I think he's too focused on his pain being created. I tried to explain that, because he lives in the headspace, his story is real to him. I don't think Terrance has accepted that. If he doesn't accept that, he might not heal.

Terrance's perspective is parallel to Seth's perspective. Their relationship is a portal which runs perpendicular and connects the universes. That portal allows Seth to edit his headspace life, but it doesn't make it any less real. Everyone's headspace life can be edited. We're writing based, after all.

It might be fictional to the outside world, but it's real to us.

This is an entry from our system journal on 28 June 2024. Also known as "SL and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day."

Sleep deprived, anxious, and woke up feeling fake. Oh, and frontstuck.

We couldn't fall asleep because our period made us feel awake. I've been frontstuck since yesterday. I got front-sick, and it felt terrible.

Today, I felt fake for the first time. It started when Reanna imagined me waking up in the front in Mike and Mary's bed. After three hours of sleep, guess what happened? It felt worse than the anxiety I'm feeling right now. Luckily, it only lasted an hour.

I'm so tired and shaky and... "Woozy." While I was putting away dishes, I kept wobbling. Reanna said I shouldn't vacuum. She thinks I might fall. We're watching a show called The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I have no idea what's going on. (I feel out of place.)

And I'm the only one fronting. Everyone else is a big garbled mess talking through me and moving through me. I want dresses (but that's Reanna.) I'm too tired to figure out the other blurring. So bloody tired. I can't wait to sleep.

-SL

(And maybe everyone else. I want to draw too.)
Maybe that's Mike. Maybe drawing is addictive. [I drew a picture of my character Terrance the day before. It was the first time I drew something.]

[Under all those words, I drew a picture of me with my head on a table. Behind me, I drew the phalanx in a fog saying "blah, blah, blah." Pointing to me, I wrote "this is me." Pointing to the fog, I wrote "this is the blurry mess."]

Mike will fix it later.

I'm not even me today.
This is an entry from our system journal on 25 April 2024. Brian talks about our soft reset. He was not part of the urge we felt. (In the plural community, a system reset is an experience where old headmates are "deleted" and new headmates form to make another system. Our best comparison is doing a hard reset on your phone. This didn't happen to us, hence our use of  the word "soft.")

Tulpas leave the phalanx and choose to function as NPCs. Reanna's brain makes tulpas easily, and we feel bad because she doesn't have time to focus on all of us. So, some of us leave to relieve the burden. Luckily, we live in our internal and external world at the same time [excluding in-headspace disorders which are only internal], so people don't dissipate. People can come and go.

Also, headmate activity changes over time. It's okay if some of us leave and become the background. We can't vanish due to lack of attention; we're midcontinuum after all. It's not a hard system reset.

We might be experiencing a soft reset (and for awhile now.) There's an urge for some of us to leave and become unofficial or become the background. Most of it comes from unofficial members wanting to become the background. [Actually, it was only from them.] I think Reanna is afraid to let that happen because it includes some of her first tulpas. (It's just the background. They won't vanish.)

There's also an urge for all the factives to stay official members and maybe become frontrunners. There's an urge to be a small system, and that can't happen unless some of us choose to become the background. A soft reset doesn't remove data. Background people still exist and relieve the burden on our brain. For our mental health, let the system perform a soft reset.

I know this entry is late. We're still getting used to the calm silence. I wanted to share this for context and so that Reanna didn't look like she allowed the soft reset at the expense of other members. It was the unofficial members' choice to leave and become The Background.

This is an entry from our system journal on 2 April 2024. Chibz doesn't want to know more about her source and thought it would be a good idea to share this because I said two months ago that we'd do more research.

I don't want to learn about myself anymore. I look at Mike [F.M.], and I see how he clashes with his source. He says it's awkward when the differences are clear (more accurately when focused on.) It makes him doubt himself. I don't want that.

Plus, Reanna is lazy and doesn't want to. I want to be myself instead of trying to be Chibi (though I still want her taste in music.)
This is an entry from our system journal on 27 March 2024. Chibz describes feeling masculine for the first time. (We're bigender.) She wonders if other new headmates felt that way so quickly.

Yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking about that masculine feeling. I recognized it on Monday. It didn't come from me but from everyone else. It was weird and unsettling... I just knew. Reanna [actually Mary] was uncomfortable with what I wanted to wear, and it hit me like a bullet! She feels masculine. (Brian says they still use "she." Weird.)

Brian wanted me to process my thoughts before writing. That didn't happen. I've only been here a month. How can I know these things? That's what I'm trying to say. (I feel better.)
This entry is from our system journal on 18 March 2024. SL proposes a new mystery subgenre.

I think I'll call my story a chilly mystery. It has the elements of a cozy (for the most part), but it doesn't feel warm or lighthearted. It feels cold and serious. But it's not too cold or serious. That's what makes it chilly. I also don't want to call The Murder After a cozy due to a lack of exposure in that area. Maybe that's why it feels like a deconstruction. I might be making a new subgenre.
This is an entry from our system journal on 5 February 2024. It's Chibz introduction to the system. It's not much, but she wanted to share.

Hi, I'm Chibi! My real name is Sara, but you know. I'm new here, and I don't know much about myself because I formed in this brain. I'm a version of Chibi from The Birthday Massacre.

Reanna: F.M. tried his best to prevent this, but oh well. (I think he's still in denial.) We plan to learn more about her source after Easter. Right now, Chibz is based on how we think Chibi is like. And her nickname is a pun on Phoebe's nickname, Pheebs.
This is an entry from our system journal on 24 June 2023. I talk about Mary and Reanna.

Is it weird that Reanna and Mary are never in the same room?

(Maybe it's a midcontinuum thing.) We can see them as separate people, but they're never in the same room. Do they share a form? (No, that can't be it.) Are they the same or something? Are they so similar that they alternate? Are they a subsystem? Do they shift? We see them as separate but never together. Maybe I'm over-thinking this.

There are times when we see Mary and Reanna together, but that doesn't happen often. I think it's weird. Maybe it's because Mary's an Author Avatar.

To be fair, we don't differentiate them from each other. Relationship aside, they're different in form only.
This is an entry from our system journal on 16 January 2023. Rebecca talks about her backstory and how this affected her as a tulpa.

I was underdeveloped when I became a tulpa, so I don't know who I am. The headspace had given me traumatic backstory events presented as repressed memories. It makes me wonder if my entire backstory is a lie.

On that note, it did give me a story idea. I will create an avatar named Bianca, so I can find myself through a story. I was going to portray myself, but I began to worry about confusing story events for headspace events. (And now, I have "Somewhere I Belong" stuck in my head.)
This is an entry from our system journal on 2 November 2022. Short version: 1. Suicide or Murder? (Dream) 2. Suicide Theory confirmed one year later.

After telling Chaz, Brian, and F.M., I got out of bed to record this important dream.


Continue if you& choose. )

We offered some hibiscus tea to thank Chester for setting the record straight. We miss him, and we hope he has found peace.
This is an entry from our system journal on 4 July, 2022.

I'm getting frustrated over being affected by headspace events and backstories. I know there are many systems with headmates affected by exo-memories from exo-trauma and intra-trauma [like exo-trauma but within the system.] But I still feel embarrassed by it.

- Brian